The 'Bibliophile' Affair
by Avirra
Summary: Another night in another hotel.  Illya's trying to catch up on his reading, but Napoleon has other ideas.  #14 in my sound/dialogue series.


Not exactly as suggested, but a thanks to **jkkitty1** for the idea of using books as a subject for the guys to cover in one of their chats

* * *

><p><strong>The 'Bibliophile' Affair<strong>

_flip_

"How do you read those things?"

"Pardon?"

"Those thick scientific journals. How do you read those?"

"Generally, I find a comfortable chair with good light, open the cover and start at the beginning. Unlike how you prefer to read mystery novels, I find that reading the last chapter first never helps in figuring things out when you are reading of theoretical research in applied physics."

"I do not always read the last chapter first."

"Can you name me the last book that you read purely front to back?"

"Well, no - but sometimes I read the first few chapters before I flip to the back."

"One would think that would spoil your enjoyment of the book."

"Not in my case. Since I read mainly for entertainment, I want some assurance that I'm going to be entertained. Why waste my time reading a book if I'm not going to care for how it ends?"

"This is the point where I just nod and assume that what you are saying makes sense to you as I return to my book."

_flip_

"Seriously though. How do you read those things without being bored to tears?"

"I am interested in the subject matter. Were I not, then I suppose boredom would be a possibility."

"Interested in the subject or not, you've got to admit they're pretty dry, partner mine."

"Possibly. However, I learned at a very young age to appreciate a wide variety of material."

"You didn't read this sort of thing as a child, surely."

"Pamphlets."

"Pamphlets?"

"When things - got bad, books were not something that could be carried from place to place. Pamphlets could be stuffed into pockets and, if holes formed in your shoes, they could be used to help patch them from the inside at least."

"I'll bite. What sort of pamphlets are we talking about?"

"You bite and I will track down a rolled up newspaper to swat you with. As for the pamphlets, do recall that it has been many years since Babyshka read them to me. Let me think - 'Building Collective Farms' - 'Socialism Victorious' - 'In Praise of Learning' - 'Mastering Bolshevism' -"

"Whoa. Enough. I give. I can actually see where a scientific journal would be pleasure reading in comparison."

"You might be surprised. 'Socialism Victorious' was actually quite amusing when read as if it was a fairy tale. Of course, we had to be very careful who was around before things were read aloud in that tone. As for the journals, if they get too dry, I can always imagine Babyshka is reading them to me. She had a beautiful voice."

"I'm sure she did. Hey, we're in a new town full of things we've never seen before and here you are sitting and reading scientific journals. You know that smacks slightly of being pathetic."

_flip_

"Says the man who is sitting across from a man who is reading scientific journals and watching him read while engaging in no pursuits of his own. Which of us sounds more pathetic?"

"Ouch."

_flip_

"How about non-technical reading? You know, just reading for pleasure? Do you ever do that?"

"Occasionally. But there are so many things that I would like to know and so little time afforded for reading between our jobs and other distractions. It just seems better use of my time to read the things that add to my store of knowledge than to simply read for entertainment."

"That's like deciding to have sex just to make babies."

"As I seem to recall from my time as a nun, most Catholics would agree with that view."

_book closing_

_sigh_

"Napoleon? How is it that, no matter what subject we start out on, we end up coming around to sex?"

"No we don't. Sometimes we end up talking about food."

"Umolyayu vas, Napoleon! Even with food, you have gotten me to the point that I cannot even think of a late night snack without sex coming to mind, however briefly."

"I can't think why that's a bad thing."

"Why does that not surprise me?"

_light thud_

"Sorry. Am I making it difficult to concentrate?"

"No. You are making it impossible to concentrate."

"Well, since you aren't reading right now, care to go out and take a look around town? Possible grab a drink and a meal?"

"This seems suspiciously like you were deliberately trying to sabotage my reading."

"You make me sound so mercenary."

"How would you describe it?"

"Opportunistic."

"Sounds like your dating life."

"Now who's bringing up sex?"

"I did not bring up sex. I brought up dating."

"And the difference is?"

"To you? Probably nothing."

"You're implying that I'm easy again."

"No, Implying would mean that I am suggesting that. I am not suggesting, I am stating."

"Crabby today, are we?"

"Next time that you are attempting to seduce a woman, remind me to keep up a stream of random chatter and see if it throws you off."

"Are you seriously comparing reading a book to seducing a woman?"

"Why not? One is reading words, the other is reading body language, yes?"

"Uhmmm. I can't say that I have exactly ever thought of it in quite that way."

"How is it you have phrased it in the past? All in knowing the signals, da? What are the signals other than body language?"

"Point conceded. Though I still think the comparison is a bit off."

"Are you seeking a woman to produce a batch of little Napoleons?"

"Hardly. That's why they invented the items in the little foil packages."

"Are you looking to marry?"

"Once was enough, thanks."

"Then I am left with the thought that it is entertainment value?"

"Have I ever mentioned that your logic is annoying?"

"Only when it proves a point that you were trying to deny."

"Russian."

"American."

"Offer for a drink and dinner is still open."

"You are incorrigible."

"It is one of my better qualities."

"That was not a compliment."

"All in how you choose to view something, tovarich."

"Ah - so you are also delusional. Fortunately for you, I am also hungry."

"See? And you'll be able to concentrate on your reading better with a full stomach."

"Just so long as you don't bring back any 'reading material' of your own. I refuse to sleep in the lobby again. I nearly was tossed into the street last night."

"Don't worry. If she can't provide her own library space, I will simply have to pass. You do realize that I **am** capable of saying no."

"Capable, but unlikely to do so."

"Back to me being easy, eh?"

"Perhaps not. Perhaps it is simply a case of you being - you."

"I can't deny liking the ladies any more than you can deny liking the four food groups, chum."

"To each their own overindulgence then?"

"I'll drink to that. I'll even buy the first round."


End file.
